Our Boundaries are not the Same for Everyone
When I was going through chemotherapy I was prohibited from hugging people. My immune system was so weak it was too risky to touch anyone. I had to be extremely careful about who and what I interacted with. The chemotherapy made me feel like death, so there was no way I was going to risk my life for a hug or a handshake.
I was coupled at the time and though I was told not to touch, there was no way I would deny myself love. Her hugs, kisses and the occasional massage were the only exceptions.
The Tale of Tello
One day I was standing in line waiting to buy a delicious liquid refreshment at Picassos my favorite coffee house. I was chatting it up with a young man named Tello when a close friend of mine walked through the door. Immediately my friend wanted to give me a hug, but I had to quickly refuse and inform them I can no longer hug people.
Tello took this as a challenge. He said, “I’m going to give you a hug.”
I turned to him and with a stern voice commanded him not to touch me.
Strangely Tello ignored my demand and continued forward to embrace me. I was filled with a cocktail of anger and fear, my survival mechanism kicked in and I yelled. “If you try to hug me I am going to knock you to the floor!” I meant it. Though I hurt all over there was no way I was going to let him touch me without consequence.
His eyes locked with mine and his urgency slowed to a halt.
“If you ever try to touch me without permission, I will hurt you.” I warned Tello.
Thank goodness he saw the seriousness of my threat and restrained himself.
In a loving relationship our boundaries can be a gentle hand, encouraging words, even a stern look. We can secure our walls without weaponizing them. In most situations we don’t have to aggressively enforce our boundaries like I did with Tello.
In all situations we need to slow the world down with a little empathy. We need to take a moment to imagine what their intent was when they crossed your boundary. Were they trying to hurt and take advantage of you or was this a misunderstanding? Whatever the answer is we must make it clear to them they crossed the line.
Sometimes there are firm rules in life we must follow. In the instance of Tello I could not let him touch me. In the professional world, especially in massage there are firm laws as well. Touching is one of them. A client should never touch you during a massage. Though this is a firm rule, it doesn’t always require the same firmness I used with Tello. Sometimes the client’s hand falls off the table and it touches you because they were asleep, in these instances they are benign, but when they willfully reach out to touch you in a way that is inappropriate you must enforce your boundaries.
Empathy is essential when establishing and enforcing our boundaries. When we use the word empathy, we are referring to intellectual empathy. What does that mean?
“Understanding the need to imaginatively put oneself in the place of others to genuinely understand them… It correlates with the ability to accurately reconstruct the viewpoints and reasoning of others and to reason from premises, assumptions, and ideas other than our own. This trait also requires that we remember occasions when we were wrong, despite an intense conviction that we were right, and consider that we might be similarly deceived in a case at hand.” (Paul, Richard, and A. J. A. Binker. Critical Thinking: What Every Person Needs to Survive in a Rapidly Changing World. Foundation for Critical Thinking, 2012.)
A challenging but useful exercise is to imagine yourself as someone else. Let your eyes find someone nearby, look at their shoes. Imagine what it would feel to be wearing those right now. How do you think they would feel? Now think about someone you know, perhaps one who’s hurt your feelings recently. Ignore your feelings and imagine being them. What do you think they were feeling when they hurt you? Why do think they were feeling this? What are some other emotions they could have been experiencing? Take a moment to reevaluate the circumstance, applying their feelings to each to see if your opinion of the encounter changes. Did it change, if not, why, and in the future what can you do to prevent them from breaking the boundary that hurt your feelings?
We are going to do an exercise, first I want you to write down the premise they were acting from when the event occurred. Next, what assumptions might they have been operating from and finally what do you think their thoughts, opinions and plans were?
Intellectual empathy is an effective critical thinking tool. When implemented correctly it serves as a valuable resource to establish and enforce personal boundaries. It also helps us identify the walls of others. With this information we improve our ability to treat others fairly while encouraging them to do the same.
