What was it like?
Nausea
Imagine you need to throw up every moment of every day. The nausea is all encompassing, permeating every facet of your existence. I had moments where I was taking a shower and I would suddenly throw up, while I was eating I would throw up, while I was driving down the road, while I was being intimate with my woman, while I was sleeping, I would throw up. It was like having the worst flu of your life every day, every single day.
Neuropathy
Have you ever had the sensation of your hand or foot falling asleep? Perhaps you’ve had some numbness in your extremities? Maybe you’ve had moments where it felt like someone was stabbing you with a knife? Maybe you’ve been touched with something super-hot? Imagine all these sensations alternating from one to the next in a friendly game of musical chairs. This is neuropathy, it starts off with a gentle nudge but becomes a shove. I told my nurses and doctor about it, but they didn’t care. To them the side effect wasn’t a rise for any concern.
Would these sensations be that big of a deal to you? Maybe not but let me translate them to real life situations. Do you enjoy kissing? Being intimate with your significant other? How much would you miss the sensation of being touched? Maybe you like how warm water feels against your skin? Perhaps you love the feel of textures, food, clothing, or anything at all. Throughout most of my body I wasn’t able to enjoy anything at all.
Alopecia
Few words can describe the horror of hair loss. There is a primal fear we feel when we wake up and see our pillow is covered with so much hair it could be mistaken for a cat. I remember the horror of running my hands through my hair and watching clumps of my head fur come loose between my fingertips.
So much of our identity is wrapped up into hair. It’s more than the hair on my head, everything goes from head to toe.
Fatigue
The fatigue was unbearable. I think the way my medical team described it to me was I was going to be tired. Tired? That doesn’t do chemo fatigue justice. Imagine pouring glue into your muscles while wrapping ropes of exhaustion around your bones. Take those ropes and pull them taught, then tug them back and forth as they grind and tear through your flesh.
It was painful, horrific, beautiful, magnificent, and magical
My journey was terrifying, painful, and horrific, but it was also beautiful, magnificent, and magical. Every hardship we face is an opportunity to learn how to help others, the terror I faced was a gift, it showed me the magnificent magnitude of existence and it opened my eyes to the wonder of the world.
I don’t know what it feels like to be you, but I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by life, underwhelmed by love, and loss. Sometimes hardship feels like getting caught in a cold rain with no shelter in sight. I want you to know the rain will pass and your skin will warm. As you continue your journey you will see the value of the storm and a new you will be born. It will be then that the rain droplets of now give birth to the flourishing flowers of the future.
No matter which road we walk we are forced to cross bridges we would prefer avoiding. I have faith you will face these broken bridges and cross them triumphantly even if it takes you all day. You already know the journey of life is horrific, but avoid shielding your eyes from the scary sights, else life might pass you by. It might be hard to remember when things are bad, but in every second is a snapshot of infinite beauty.
We all have our own road, whether it is cracked asphalt, grey gravel, or cobblestone. When we are young someone holds our hand, teaching us where to step and stand. Somewhere along the way our guide disappears, and we convince ourselves we must walk our road alone. Entering adulthood we grab our keys and race on the highway of life. We speed along watching the world flash by, sometimes we peek at the rearview to see what we’ve missed. It’s a hard road to drive, especially alone. The night can become long and lonely and as we travel, each city blurs into the next. We lose sight of what we are seeing, especially if we close our eyes. Remain strong and stalwart, look to the future and live in the now even when everything on the horizon appears horrible.
