Unfortunately My World Shattered
In a world of regret, sadness, and shame we are prone to experience a myriad of pain to find our way. Following my trip the neuropathy in my hands and feet crawled up my elbows and knees and the absence of anything was making me lose sight of everything.
My world fell apart, I couldn’t feel the pleasure of the world, my body was on fire and my mind was twisted and bound by steel. I was sinking into the depths of the artic sea, my soul felt frigid, and the world seemed so cold. Mad thoughts within my mind kept repeating and sometimes they escaped through my chattering teeth. “Cancer destroys everything. It becomes everything. I want to be the Shawn White of June 2016! He had a healthy, healed mind before this monster stole everything. I wish I didn’t do chemotherapy. Oh my god it ruined me! My mind is so fucked. I hurt so much. I hate my life. It was a mistake; it was the worst decision of my life. I want to take it back.”
I was lost in a sea of shadows; the pain was too great. I had reached my maximum threshold for pain and fear, and my world became dark, and I felt alone. Terrible thoughts crept through my mind, and I frantically sought to escape. I knew a storm was coming, it was loud and roared like a jet engine.
I had to get away, I had to run, so I ran, but there was nowhere to go. My mind drifted to a fantasy place, I needed something fun, adventurous, and away. I thought about the art museum in Kansas City. So, I got into my car and went. The drive was a blur, I felt nothing, my body was an empty shell operating on autopilot. I drove for hours and once I arrived at the art museum I parked my car and stared forward. My head dipped and as I closed my eyes I began to cry. I cried because no matter where I went, there I was. There were no places to run and hide, no shelter existed that could soothe my soul. I ambled from my car and stared at the giant sculptures outside. It was late and they were about to close. I wandered around for a bit and settled in a café inside the museum. I ordered something fancy to eat. Something deep inside my soul told me this was the last meal of my life. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I ate, my spirit began processing the terrible decision I was about to engage. With half a plate still remaining I stood, went back to my car, and drove home.
The world feels incredibly surreal when your heart has been sundered into a thousand pieces. I felt like a hollow shell, soulless and empty.
Entering my home I collected my tools, said goodbye to my cats and laid in bed. I listened to the strange scraping sound of my ceiling fan as it spun. I was exhausted, sleep deprived, and overwhelmed.
My thoughts began to attack my mind, and no amount of meditation could thwart the onslaught. “I want to be a person again. I want to be me, me before the poison. I’m tired of having to constantly fight. What am I even fighting for? There is no end to it. Every step is a nightmare. I’m tired of it. I want it to stop. I want it to stop! I want to be old Shawn. I hate my life.”
I leaned against the wall to get comfortable, but it worsened the pain in my back. The sensation is always so strange, and that night it was frighteningly bad. The numbness crawled deep into my nerves chewing and gnawing at me until my insides began to scream. My pillows started sliding between the mattress and the wall and I fought to find peace.
Shadows stretched and moved in malicious ways as I tried with all my might to give a purpose to the pain. I felt alone and devastated. My journey walked me through so many terrible times, and that night it tossed me into a ditch of despair. Tears streamed down my face as my sanity dripped away at a steady pace.
My mind was melting under the stress of my duress. There was so much agony and so little sensation. It felt like a flower of pain was blooming across my back. My insides felt like a parasite had crawled into my skin and was rummaging around within my spirit, I was at the end of what I could take. It was too much.
With the rhythm of my heart’s pulse, streaks of fire shot through my mind. Each fiery bolt burned my mind and weakened my grip on reality until I began to slip.
Wrapping my hands around a rusty orange pill bottle I twisted it open. Sliding my finger in I pulled out a pill. I held it in my hand quietly till the fire hammered again. With its thunderous roar I flipped a pill from my finger onto my tongue and like a sad old song I swallowed it down. With each roar my world spun until I could take no more. Pill after pill the darkness closed in, my eyes grew heavy, and my world disappeared.
Every life needs a death to start a new one. My life was a poorly constructed village that got burned to the ground. But from those ashes I rose from the ruins and became the high rise of my own design.
I began my journey with a dream of a new life and was met with strife, my world was turned upside down with blood and cancer in my lung, I was burnt to a crisp with chemotherapy, fell in love, overcame impossible hardships, endured a broken heart, and collapsed under my own weight. I rose from the grave of my old world, flew high into the sky, and rediscovered how to live my life.
