The Inept Instructors of our Industry
One of the problems our industry faces is the inexperience of the instructors who teach the classes. Sure they may have practiced for the minimum five years as massage therapists, but it doesn’t mean they have the life skills to lead another generation. Students need mentors who have been burned by the fires of life. They need guides who know how horrible the world can be and have risen from the ashes. If we are to cut the rot from our community we must inspire the hearts and minds of the next generation.
When instructors lack empathy, creativity, and humility they lose sight of why they are there to teach, and their actions spread the disease of our industry.
A Story About one of my Instructors in Massage School
In class one day my instructor asked me what I would do if a female client reached out and grabbed my genitals during a session.
My reply was quite stern. “I would probably freeze for a moment, then I would step away, politely excusing myself and walk to the manager’s office to inform them of what happened and ask them to call the police. If the manager refused to call the police I would do it myself. I would immediately document the incident and then press charges.”
My instructor couldn’t wrap his head around my response. Quickly he reacted by telling me my reaction was wrong. I felt this was strange, especially since it was a stark contrast to the advice he had just given the female students of the class. There was something in the tone of his voice that inferred I should be ok with what she did, or that my reaction was too strong. When I asked what he thought I should do he said: “You should tell your client not to touch you and continue with the massage. If it happened again, just end the massage.” Just moments ago he was telling the female students they should have mace in the room in case a client ever touched them or tried to do anything inappropriate.
His double standard is one of the reasons our industry is in the state of affairs it is in. I understand there are all sorts of circumstances, we should always have compassion, be understanding and use critical thought, but his question was pretty specific. If someone grabs my genitals I think the intent is pretty clear.
Our Experiences Shape Our Reactions
I have a feeling he never had an experience like this. Perhaps my own journey makes me a bit quick to react with these kinds of incidents. I know how it feels to be sexually assaulted at work and in my personal life. I have been violated more times than I wish to discuss. When we are young we tend to forget the horror of the experience, but it still haunts us in terrible ways. It doesn’t matter how old we are when someone hurts us, it shapes our relationships, increases our reluctance to have intimacy, and to trust. It instills an ever-present distrust that pushes us away from opportunities for love and infuses our life with anxiety in innocuous situations. No matter how much someone hurts us, I believe the key is to face down our hurt, search for the antidote and free ourselves from the soul killing pain of its venom. We cannot allow the actions of others to destroy our ability to enjoy life and live with love.
In my opinion I believe it is much harder to overcome the effects of being sexually assaulted in the workplace as an adult, especially if we were hurt as children.
I used to work in the casino industry, for thirteen years I dealt poker. I left the industry for a cocktail of reasons. I could manage its brutal environment, the constant berating and insults, the odor of customers who sat gambling for days and days, the terrible hours, and being treated like a nonhuman. My childhood toughened me up and I was strong enough to deal with those inconveniences. Throughout my poker career there were things that bothered me, they made it challenging to put my happy face on and give it my all. I didn’t like it that I wasn’t making the world a better place, at the end of the day all I did was move money around and I didn’t like that. There were married men who came in every day after an eight-hour workday, then played for six to ten hours straight. I didn’t like how they put their gambling addiction before their wife and family. The money was good, and I otherwise had no other options, so I stuck with it. I was great at my job, and it paid the bills, so I stayed.
My ability to tolerate the casino’s hellish environment ended abruptly, and the course of my life was forever changed. One day I was dealing Texas Holdem, the table was fun and exciting, and everyone was having a good time. The energy was so great I didn’t really notice the player to my left. His name was Top Gun. He was one of the worst human beings I have ever met. When I dealt to him he would call me maggot, scum, cockroach, and all sorts of obscure insults. I dealt cards to this old man for years and it was clear he took pleasure from the misery of others. Every time I dealt to him he would needle me until he found some way to get under my skin. Though these comments were uncomfortable they weren’t powerful enough to ruin my day, but he had other ways of shattering my center. This customer had a reputation in the poker room for grabbing male poker dealer’s butts. The customers and even some members of management thought this kind of behavior was cute. I wasn’t a fan.
About a year prior Top Gun grabbed my butt when I was walking past him heading out of the room. It was a tight area inside the poker room with little area to walk so I shrugged it off as an accident. About sixth months later, I was standing at the podium reading something when he walked up to me and jammed his hand into my groin and grabbed my penis through my pants. I batted his hand away and almost lost control of my anger. I didn’t know what to do other than tell him to never touch me again.
When you work in an environment of constant dehumanization it is easy to lose sight of when you should speak up. Throughout my career I’ve been molested by customers in various ways and my complaints were simply shrugged off with a laugh. So when someone does it so boldly you simply don’t know what to do. I didn’t tell anyone because I felt like no one would do anything about it. Everyone accepted his butt grabbing behavior, so why would they care about what he did to me? So, I did all I thought I could and that was to remain alert and perceptive of my surroundings. It put me on edge and made performing my job incredibly difficult.
As I dealt cards to the happy table I forgot Top Gun was sitting next to me, he was being incredibly quiet. Once my thirty minutes of dealing was over I stood, cleared my hands and turned. It was at that moment I felt a terrible pain in my anus as something was jammed into it. I quickly turned and realized Top Gun had violated me with his finger. I stared at him not knowing what to say, I was horrified. I was filled with so much rage, but I knew that if I did anything I would be fired. I called for the supervisor and told him what Top Gun just did. We walked to the center podium and my eyes were wide and my heart was beating. The horrors of my youth came back to me in an instant and my mind was melting.
My supervisor asked what I wanted to him to do. I told him to call the police. My head space was shattered, and I needed a break, so I was allowed to sit in the manager’s office to recollect my spirit. Another dealer entered the office and asked me what happened, and he was shocked, but not surprised, everyone knew Top Gun was a creep.
A gamming officer came to the office and asked me what happened, I explained it to him, and he asked if I wanted to press charges and I nodded my head. We filled out the paperwork and turned it in. My company let me go home early that evening, there really was no way I could walk back into the poker room with a clear head after that.
My soul needed to be coddled in the sanctuary of my own home. I needed to have my spirit nurtured, to be held softly and guided back into the light. When I stepped through the door I asked for a moment of my girlfriend’s time as she was making dinner. I told her what happened, but my heart sank when she spoke. “Well, now you know how it feels to be a woman in the workforce now.”
I paused and blinked my eyes. The one safe place I had was shattered and now I felt utterly and completely alone. In reply I said: “When you go to work do you have customers sexually assaulting you?” She answered with a no. I raised my hands into the air. “I guess you don’t know what it feels like to be a woman in the workforce.” I turned and headed for bed.
The next day when I returned to work my supervisors told me that the casino wasn’t sure if they wanted to kick Top Gun out permanently. This wasn’t much of a surprise to me, I pretty much expected it. What I didn’t expect was how the customers began treating me. I was made out to be the bad guy. Somehow I was expected to just take it and go on with my day. For the most part the comments lasted for about a month and slowly died off, but for one customer the insults remained. She was enraged over my reaction to Top Gun, and she made it clear. Every day I dealt to her she would insult, berate, and attack my character. She wouldn’t let it go and I began to hate coming to work.
I went to my supervisor and asked him to help me. I couldn’t handle it any longer and I needed him to help me get her to stop, but he did nothing. So, I went to their boss, and their boss, and their boss, each doing just as much as the last, nothing at all. After about a month of fighting I took it up with Human Resources. I told them what was happening, and they stared at me blankly, like my situation was a complete nonissue. The human resources lady said: “Well Mr. White there is a certain degree of harassment you should expect with your job. The problem you are experiencing with this customer is within that range.”
I sighed, stood up and realized there was nothing that could be done. I accepted the reality of my circumstance and moved on. Every ounce of interest I had for my profession was gone, from that moment forward I hated dealing poker and dreaded coming to work.
A little after this incident I started feeling sick, the emotional trauma of Top Gun and the constant customer harassment was an incredible amount of agony to manage. I hoped that I could stretch my ability to deal with it further with the golden glow of massage school, but once I tasted the bitter environment of the school I couldn’t take it anymore. There were too many negative influences in my life to manage it and I had to leave the poker world behind.
No matter how many times we deal with the venom of evil serpents it doesn’t get any easier. Life never gets easier; we just develop the skills to navigate the treacherous waters.
My Instructor Wasn’t a monster
My instructor wasn’t a monster, he was just an ineffective teacher. He long ago lost the virtues of every great massage therapist. It’s what happens when you are fed into the meat grinder of massage. We can learn from him and others who are failing. History doesn’t show us how to succeed, instead it reveals what we must do to avoid catastrophe. In this specific instance we need to cultivate all students to safely navigate sexual assault without the trap of misandry and double standards. We need to teach every student equally, with the same compassion, understanding and love. Whether you are a man or woman, we all face these situations, and we must cultivate a culture that protects everyone.
To achieve this goal our schools must focus on teaching students how to establish and enforce personal and professional boundaries. This must be more than a summary description on how to navigate these situations. Roleplaying is a wonderful way to help encourage people to step outside of their comfort zone and experience problematic situations in a nonthreatening manner. If we spent more time creating simulations with students we could ensure they can protect themselves when the need arises.
