This evening I found a few reflections from when I was adventuring through chemotherapy. It was an interesting series of words, each sentence pulled me forward as the paragraphs painted an image of where I once was.
My reflection read:
“I live in a quasi-state of not knowing what the **** is going on. It’s like the frustration of trying to keep a bar of soap on the side of the tub when it keeps sliding into the water. I am in uncharted seas; I do not understand what I feel. I am sleepy tired, but not sleepy. My body is exhausted to the deepest depths of my cells. I can taste the revolting chemo flavor in my spit, skin, and blood. I feel disgusting, weak and ugly. When I move, I can hear my body creek like wringing ropes. As I lay here thinking about the future, terror is twisting me into knots, mortified that I must do this again. But let’s be honest, it is not as bad as it feels, and all things pass. Every one thing becomes another something. This is just a challenge, and all challenges can be overcome. As long as I am looking to the future and walking forward, I am making my way to a new place.”
I am so far out of those waters that in a certain way those words feel like a story about someone else. Time and wisdom have a way of mending wounds into deep scars that hide behind our heart. They hurt us, and sometimes hold us back, but in other ways make us bolder and better.
They can grant us purpose and ease in moments when we need some peace. For better or worse my time with death at my door made me stronger than I ever was before.
I don’t talk about that era much anymore. Sometimes I hurt in horrible ways, and I let my lips slip out some pain to smooth out the day. I don’t hide from it, I don’t embrace it, I simply live my way.
The world has granted me an interesting existence. I am thankful for every hurt, every sweet smile, and love lived and lost, but most of all I am thankful for the greatest gift ever granted to me. It was the doorway to my dreams, the path to purpose and the opportunity to create a legacy.
Cancer was this gift.
It was horrific, but beautiful. It tore me to pieces and fractured my soul, but it led me to discover my ultimate goal.
Your hurt is not a dead end. It is a doorway to your dreams.
Using the keys of empathy, creativity, and humility you will unlock the barriers before you, and discover how it feels to be delightfully free.
You will become the reflection you have always needed to be, and relearn to dance and sing even the darkest scenes.
